I was always told a smoker has to want to quit, in order
to really quit. I gathered from that the reverse would also be
true—that if you didn't want to quit, you couldn't. What follows
here is my experience with both, which can be summed up by saying both
statements tend to be self-fulfilling prophecies. If you don't
succeed in quitting, it's because you didn't want to; if you do, it's
because you wanted to. Neat.
I
must tell you that I smoked for 43 years. I never met a
cigarette I didn't like, although a lot of them tasted bad.
They filled up the holes; the hollow, fearful moments, the peaceful
moments, the awkward moments, the empty, hands unoccupied moments,
the going to and coming from moments, the after coffee, food and sex
moments, the sleepy moments, the tired moments, the passing time
moments—do you get the picture? They were an essential part of
life's fabric that would be otherwise ragged and full of holes.
Quitting because I purely wanted to was never an option for me.
Truth be known, I still want a cigarette. I can go into a
convenience store to this very day and be tempted to buy a pack.
The rush from inhalation is an almost overwhelming memory, even after
almost two years. But I buck up to it and stay the course each
time. I have to admit, it does get better over time.
Finally, after several tries lasting up to eighteen months, I have
quit for good. I say that with all the temptation to smoke still
in place. The desire has lessened but the temptation has not.
No, I have quit for good because, for the first time, I have admitted
that smoking is more than a health wrecking bad habit. It is an
ADDICTION! I have faced the fact that it is an addiction and
will not go away, any more than alcohol will go away for an alcoholic.
It is not only an addiction, it is a very powerful one.
And so I fight the good fight. I meet the moments of temptation
with the grim realization of a recovering addict—I am still addicted;
one cigarette and I am back in nicotine's stable again, and the ride
will go on and on and on until I slip the reins forever.
© Phil Hodgkins 2002
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